North Dakota is Technically Not a State, Also Technically Not Interesting

By Andrew Niesen

All states marked in red are boring and bad at writing constitutions.

Warning: The following post contains graphic taunting of the state of North Dakota. I would like to apologize to each and every North Dakotan (all eight of you) in advance. This is not directed at any of you, but rather at the incredibly dull and lifeless area of the country that you have chosen to make your home. Seriously, it is a giant snoozefest.


As a Kansan, there are not a lot of states we can make fun of. Both coasts are better, so they are off limits. Illinois has Chicago, so that’s gone as well. Most of the other states at least have a nice landscape, totally destroying western Kansas’ endless flat farm land.

That is why I was very happy when I became friends with some North Dakotans. North Dakota is almost the only state that makes Kansas look like a fun place to be. I would consistently laugh at their mentions of their hometowns knowing that Kansas had this state beat.

We would debate the validity of North Dakota as a state with me taking the stance that we might as well sell it to some other country because no one would miss it. “It doesn’t really count as a state at all,” I would say to varying degrees of disagreement.

It turns out all this time, I was right.

North Dakota is not actually a state.

(North Dakota Fun Fact: The population of the entire state is 672,591 making it roughly the same size as Poughkeepsie, New York!)

For years, 82-year-old John Rolczynski has insisted that there was an error in the North Dakota state constitution. All of the North Dakota state politicians said, “Old Man Rolczynski is a nut job! Just ignore the crazy fool and get back to your beet farming.”

Finally, state senator Tim Mathern looked into the matter. What he found was that the state constitution did not require officials to be sworn in, a requirement for a state to be ratified.

North Dakota was never officially a state.

(North Dakota Fun Fact: The official state beverage of North Dakota is milk! They have not specified what animal’s milk they are referring to, but I assume, since it is the STATE beverage, it must be from the official state animal, the Nokota horse.)

So now that North Dakota is a territory again, what should we do with it? I think everyone can agree there is no reason to make North Dakota a state again. All they do is provide us with beets, lentils and honey. Beets are gross and the lentils and honey can come from elsewhere.

One possible solution is to sell it. America has a $14 trillion debt, meaning we owe people the equivalent of 933,333,333 Honda Accords. That’s a whole lot of sensible sedans.

Selling the North Dakota Territory would be a start. We paid $1,260,000 for it originally. That means it has to be worth a solid $1,500,000 now. If we can just find some sucker country willing to buy it (Check with the Netherlands. They’re always high, so they’ll definitely take it) we’d start getting some of that paid off.

(North Dakota Fun Fact: Bismarck, North Dakota has been named the safest place to live in America! It’s difficult to have a rash of crimes when your entire population is made up of livestock.)

Another option is to just combine it with South Dakota, making one boring state called Dakota.

The issue this brings up is our flag. We have 50 stars, but we’d only need 49. People would be cutting out one star on all of the flags to make it accurate, leading to a great influx of flag stars in our city dumps. Eventually our dumps would be over filled, causing America to become a giant trash heap. Our country would look like the set of Sanford and Son, but with no Redd Foxx to amuse us.

To offset this, we could annex Mexico. It’s a lot warmer than North Dakota, plus drug wars are a lot more interesting than the North Dakota State Fair. Who wants to go Minot, North Dakota anyway?

(North Dakota Fun Fact: North Dakota is home to the Norsk Hostfest, the second largest Scandinavian festival in North America! It is also home to… well, nothing else really.)

Both of those ideas, though, pale in comparison to my final and best idea: make it an island.

People love beach front property, but America only has one island state to take advantage of this.

Before we allow North Dakota back into the country, they will have to carefully chisel out along the state boundaries. Then giant cranes will have to lift the state off of the ground, carefully carrying it across the country to its new home in the Pacific Ocean. Not only will this make a great new island state, but it will create a sixth great lake.

(North Dakota Fun Fact: A popular winter time sport is raccoon hunting! You may fill in your own joke right here…)

Mathern, though, is trying to poop on my party (Figuratively, of course. Mathern has never been to any of my parties, nor has he defecated on them). He has introduced a bill that will change the state constitution, allowing them to quickly become a state again.

This means we have a short amount of time to make a ruling on what to do before things are back to normal.

The only possible way to delay the state’s decision is to get everyone out of the state. It shouldn’t be hard. There aren’t all that many of them.

We need to find one thing all North Dakotans like. I vote the state fair since it gets 250,000 of the 672,000 people to arrive. Having chosen a favorite North Dakotan item, we tell them that it has moved into the state of Michigan for the next few months.

The North Dakotans will have mass exodus from their state. With at least 250,000 people gone, chances are that a good amount of government officials have left the state as well. This will keep them from voting, giving us more time to put North Dakota up on Craigslist or whatever we decide to do.

(North Dakota Fun Fact: The state motto is “Legendary!” Apparently in North Dakota, motto is defined as “a single word.”)

To any North Dakotans reading this (I don’t know if any of them are actually literate), it has been a great run. It was fun having you in our country for a while. We shared some laughs and some tears. You can’t figure out how to write a state constitution, though, so you’re out.

We will miss your dry edible peas, though. Those were delicious.

Look At Me! I'm an Expert!

By Andrew Niesen

I, once again, have been deemed an expert at something. I am, apparently, an expert at making sarcastic comments about the government and foresters that happen to play hillbilly music. My mother must be so proud!

Alice Lipowicz quoted me in an article on the 41,037th most popular website in America, Federal Computer Week. It is, without a doubt, the predominate source of news items about… well, Federal computers, I guess.

The other big news is that I am officially titled a blogger according to Ms. Lipowicz, a huge step up from my previous title of obnoxious ingrate.

If you want to see my name on something I didn’t type myself, go here.

You may now return to your regularly scheduled internetting.

Milk Helps With PMS? Imagine What Chocolate Milk Could Do...

By Andrew Niesen

Dear California Milk Processors Board,

I saw your new advertisement online today, and I must say I was horrified. HORRIFIED!

This ad seems to imply there is a suffering that we men have to be put through on a monthly basis because WOMEN seem to think that men are the worst people in the world when they have PMS.

How dare you! To imply that we men are in danger during “that time of the month” is just rude. And to try to convince us to force the women in our lives to drink milk because of it is insulting. Just plain insulting.

Anyone who implies that women at any point in time are irrational is, without a doubt, the most upsetting person on the planet. I wish you and your family only the worst. I hope... that...

Okay, she’s left the room. Seriously, does this milk thing work? I need to know quickly. She said if I leave my dishes on the table one more time, she would saw off my head with a Taco Bell spork. This wouldn't be a normal issue, except I’m pretty sure she bought some Nachos Bel Grande today, so she might have a spork. I am scared. Very scared. Help me. Please...

Oh, act cool. She’s coming back.

And that’s what I think of your stupid ad. You just leave women alone from now on or you will surely suffer the consequences.



P.S. Seriously, is there a safe place to go? Help me!

Another One Bites the Dust: Nathan Badley’s Last Post Ever

By Andrew Niesen

Hugh Hefner, dead at 213. Was it…. MURDER?!?!

Well, it’s time to say goodbye to Charlie Sheen. Best known for roles as Charlie B. Barkin in “All Dogs Go To Heaven II” and Charlie Harper on “Two and a Half Men,” as well as absolute nut job Charlie Sheen in “The Life of Charlie Sheen,” the 45 year old has gone on to that great coke den in the sky.

This comes only days after the late Hugh Hefner kicked the bucket, no doubt murdered by one of his 3,256 girlfriends in a fit of jealousy.

Sure, these two may deny that they are dead, but the internet says otherwise.

It seems that every month a new death rumor spreads across the internet. From Will Ferrell dying in a hang gliding accident (RIP) to Justin Beiber being presumed dead because of a 14 hour absence from Twitter, celebrities are shuffling off of this mortal coil left and right. It’s a virtual epidemic of celebrities dying.

At least an epidemic of lies about them dying.

Hearing that you have died must be a very surreal experience. I’m sure that some of these people sit there, arguing with the website that has reported their death, screaming “No I’m not! I’m alive! I’m supposed to be on Leno tomorrow night, so I can’t be dead!”

After a while of screaming and tweeting “Srsly guys, I’m NOT DEAD!!!!! #ididntreallydielikepeoplethink,” eventually the celebrities have to realize they are in an exclusive club.

They are in the living-dead celebrity club.

With this club, you receive several things. For instance, have you ever read The Adventures of Tom Sawyer and, when you got to the part where Tom and Huck fake their own death and attend their funeral, thought that would be pretty cool? Well, you get to read hundreds of obituaries from commentators on the internet news site you are currently reading. Reactions to your death can range from “He always seemed very funny and great to be around. RIP.” to “Who cares that this person died? They were the worst person on earth, they were never funny, I want to thank them for doing the planet a favor and going away.”

As if that were not enough, you now have the chance to start over. If Hugh Hefner had wanted to, the minute his death rumor came out, he could have moved away, assumed a new identity and lived the mild mannered life of a pastry chef in Akron, Ohio just like he has always dreamed of doing.

You could even just lay low for a while and watch a huge spike in sales of your movies/music/books just like Elvis and Tupac did (You can’t fool me. I know they never died). You’ll be rich AND able to go out in public without a huge swarm of paparazzi. Plus, you get to see what actor they choose to play you in a tell-all biopic (Odds are it will be James Franco. That guy does everything).

In fact, these arguments are so convincing that I think I want my own death rumor.





Those were the last words of Nathan Badley before he fell out of the World War I biplane he was flying. As you can see, he went out doing what he loved: making fun of things while doing barrel rolls like the Red Baron.

He will be terribly missed.

Oddly enough, his estate has found enough manuscripts to publish for the next 50 or so years, so be sure to honor his memory by purchasing anything that comes out with his name on it. It’s what he wants…I mean would want.

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